six.

i love you because you know i hate getting out of the shower when it's cold in winter, so you put my towel in the dryer and have it ready for me when i get out.

i love you because when i shared my thoughts that "the word imagination is prejudice against the blind. if seeing people have a word for mental images, 'IMAGination', shouldn't the blind have their own word, like 'PHONIcation'?" you replied "only if they're attractive."

i love you because after all this time you're still my best friend and my happy thought.

there are infinite reasons why i love you. i could never tell you enough.

five.

five is the number of hours i have successfully avoided doing work this afternoon. i don't mind as much as i should. the truth is, puddles and crosswords, books in bed and mail all seemed more significant and fulfilling. i don't have a lot to write today, although there is a lot to say. so i'll try.
a long time ago(it feels like another lifetime now), i spent close to a year yearning for closure to a abruptly ended relationship. it was one i just couldn't let go. it wasn't even a spectacular love affair, trust me. it was not half bad, there was certainly laughter and kisses shared, but it wasn't exquisite or worth the amount of time i mourned it. but i did. there were potentially infinite reasons for my lingering attachment(i did spend a year mulling over a multitude of possibilities...). maybe it was the fact that that it suddenly just ceased to exist without a goodbye or even a relic to remind anyone it ever existed. maybe it was my naivety at the time. maybe it was the miscommunication which involved unacknowledged valentine's cards and a hospitalization. maybe it was being constantly reminded of him in a town where everyone knows your business better than, and often before, you do. or it could very likely have been this: he was and is the only one to ever walk away before me.
it ouched. my first ouch of the sort, but i got older, grew stronger, built happier memories, got over it, and eventually stopped thinking about him. i have since found and lost love elsewhere, and was now comfortably, blissfully, living right here right now. and then my phone rang...
there was a point in my life where i had imagined his call. being somewhat of a realist i never hoped for the ultimate reconciliation, but i had secretly pined for some acknowledgment that we had something once and that he knew my name. but even if i had thought it over for the last four years i would never have been prepared for what he said. it was shocking enough to be contacted in the first place. but even when the "i love you still" and "what i did to you was wrong" and "you're what i want"s started pouring in i was too skeptical to be floored.
why now? i didn't need to hear these things. i feel nothing for him, despite our past. he was awful to me, and i forgave him a long time ago, but that doesn't mean i'll ever let my guard down for one second. so why now.

and then this: he's dying a bit faster than the rest of us. he is barely twenty years old.
so what now. what do you say to that. why me. why now. he doesn't deserve another second of my time or energy, but how can i turn my back. his is not my story, he wrote me out of it a long time ago.
this is my lesson in compassion. there is no easy solution. i am blissfully happy in my life right now which is filled with goodness, honesty, and kindness. i refuse to let anything jeopardize that. so how do you treat someone who treated you terribly when they are going through something terrible?
i will give him his peace of mind and prayers, but i can't save his life. i've got to save my own, so that's all i can offer.