four.

rainy in san diego today. ha.
this really should not be surprising considering after a six month dirt accumulating stint i finally forked out the cash(well to be honest trav chipped in half due to my lack of cash...) the wash my beast of a vehicle yesterday. i guess the two dollar upgrade for rainx really paid off this time! oh boy.
i didn't sleep well last night. my mind was working overtime and my body was restless. as i layed alone, cocooned in my sheets and with my comforter pulled up to cover my nose from the cold, i couldn't help but let my mind wander. i was having the kind of racing abstract thoughts that come only when i'm consiously trying to keep the overwhelmingly terrifying worries about my future at bay. shouldhavestudiedchemistry ohno ifthemidermaveragewas8thenhowcanicalculatemygrade iwonderifiwillgettheambassadorjob whenwillthatladygetbacktome no howwillmygpaeverrecoverifigetabthisquarter ineedtostudyforthemcat dontdothisnow iamnotsmartenough fuckthemiamsodetermined negativenegativenegative fight it nonono fight it breathe FIGHT IT! and then comes the breakthrough. somewhere far from sleep yet far from waking life i can will myself to lift my thoughts to something much lighter, higher, delightful. last night all i could imagine was my room, there was nothing else. it was my shelter, boxing out the chilly night air. without heat i was solely responsible for the warmth i could feel. all the molecules of ocean and stars and invisibledust in the crisp night air were swarming to the outside of where i lay, insulating the tiny room as though there was nothing else in the world that could draw their attention away. it was beautiful and i could feel the hum of the universe. and then i found sleep.
despite the rain, the tests and classes, the fire alarms, the medschool applications, despite life and all it entails, i will always be ok as long as those moments exist. tiny, half-lucid moments when i feel like the universe is good and god is miraculous and my thoughts are not my own. i am going to make it through, i promise. stick with me, i won't lose my sanity.

three.

never has there been such a perfect, delectable creation as pumpkin pie. i'm currently baking one (from scratch mind you!) and i can't think of a more season appropriate activity. ok ok, i'll admit san diego is somewhat devoid of season changes in general. it always seems so instant that summer becomes a gray, crisp winter and my sandaled toes are left asking 'hey, when did this happen?". then i'm confused again as winter makes its return around june and then disappears just as randomly. i crave an east coast autumn like i remember from my childhood, an autumn were trees use their last tired breaths before winter to parade the most glorious colors you've ever seen and people with flushed faces and rosy cheeks seem as warm and cheery as their wool sweaters. no, i won't be finding frost on my windshield or piles of leaves to rake, but in can still feel the fall season stirring deep within. and right now i can smell it, in the redolence of the pumpkin spices dancing through my kitchen. i live for autumn the same way i can't wait to be an old, wise, smile-lined woman with a perennial garden and a brigade of grandchildren to tend. oh i wish you could smell autumn like i can right now! i would cut you a slice and we could sit for hours after the sunset eating our pie and talk about everything and nothing at all.