i love you because you know i hate getting out of the shower when it's cold in winter, so you put my towel in the dryer and have it ready for me when i get out.
i love you because when i shared my thoughts that "the word imagination is prejudice against the blind. if seeing people have a word for mental images, 'IMAGination', shouldn't the blind have their own word, like 'PHONIcation'?" you replied "only if they're attractive."
i love you because after all this time you're still my best friend and my happy thought.
there are infinite reasons why i love you. i could never tell you enough.
07 December 2007
five.
five is the number of hours i have successfully avoided doing work this afternoon. i don't mind as much as i should. the truth is, puddles and crosswords, books in bed and mail all seemed more significant and fulfilling. i don't have a lot to write today, although there is a lot to say. so i'll try.
a long time ago(it feels like another lifetime now), i spent close to a year yearning for closure to a abruptly ended relationship. it was one i just couldn't let go. it wasn't even a spectacular love affair, trust me. it was not half bad, there was certainly laughter and kisses shared, but it wasn't exquisite or worth the amount of time i mourned it. but i did. there were potentially infinite reasons for my lingering attachment(i did spend a year mulling over a multitude of possibilities...). maybe it was the fact that that it suddenly just ceased to exist without a goodbye or even a relic to remind anyone it ever existed. maybe it was my naivety at the time. maybe it was the miscommunication which involved unacknowledged valentine's cards and a hospitalization. maybe it was being constantly reminded of him in a town where everyone knows your business better than, and often before, you do. or it could very likely have been this: he was and is the only one to ever walk away before me.
it ouched. my first ouch of the sort, but i got older, grew stronger, built happier memories, got over it, and eventually stopped thinking about him. i have since found and lost love elsewhere, and was now comfortably, blissfully, living right here right now. and then my phone rang...
there was a point in my life where i had imagined his call. being somewhat of a realist i never hoped for the ultimate reconciliation, but i had secretly pined for some acknowledgment that we had something once and that he knew my name. but even if i had thought it over for the last four years i would never have been prepared for what he said. it was shocking enough to be contacted in the first place. but even when the "i love you still" and "what i did to you was wrong" and "you're what i want"s started pouring in i was too skeptical to be floored.
why now? i didn't need to hear these things. i feel nothing for him, despite our past. he was awful to me, and i forgave him a long time ago, but that doesn't mean i'll ever let my guard down for one second. so why now.
and then this: he's dying a bit faster than the rest of us. he is barely twenty years old.
so what now. what do you say to that. why me. why now. he doesn't deserve another second of my time or energy, but how can i turn my back. his is not my story, he wrote me out of it a long time ago.
this is my lesson in compassion. there is no easy solution. i am blissfully happy in my life right now which is filled with goodness, honesty, and kindness. i refuse to let anything jeopardize that. so how do you treat someone who treated you terribly when they are going through something terrible?
i will give him his peace of mind and prayers, but i can't save his life. i've got to save my own, so that's all i can offer.
a long time ago(it feels like another lifetime now), i spent close to a year yearning for closure to a abruptly ended relationship. it was one i just couldn't let go. it wasn't even a spectacular love affair, trust me. it was not half bad, there was certainly laughter and kisses shared, but it wasn't exquisite or worth the amount of time i mourned it. but i did. there were potentially infinite reasons for my lingering attachment(i did spend a year mulling over a multitude of possibilities...). maybe it was the fact that that it suddenly just ceased to exist without a goodbye or even a relic to remind anyone it ever existed. maybe it was my naivety at the time. maybe it was the miscommunication which involved unacknowledged valentine's cards and a hospitalization. maybe it was being constantly reminded of him in a town where everyone knows your business better than, and often before, you do. or it could very likely have been this: he was and is the only one to ever walk away before me.
it ouched. my first ouch of the sort, but i got older, grew stronger, built happier memories, got over it, and eventually stopped thinking about him. i have since found and lost love elsewhere, and was now comfortably, blissfully, living right here right now. and then my phone rang...
there was a point in my life where i had imagined his call. being somewhat of a realist i never hoped for the ultimate reconciliation, but i had secretly pined for some acknowledgment that we had something once and that he knew my name. but even if i had thought it over for the last four years i would never have been prepared for what he said. it was shocking enough to be contacted in the first place. but even when the "i love you still" and "what i did to you was wrong" and "you're what i want"s started pouring in i was too skeptical to be floored.
why now? i didn't need to hear these things. i feel nothing for him, despite our past. he was awful to me, and i forgave him a long time ago, but that doesn't mean i'll ever let my guard down for one second. so why now.
and then this: he's dying a bit faster than the rest of us. he is barely twenty years old.
so what now. what do you say to that. why me. why now. he doesn't deserve another second of my time or energy, but how can i turn my back. his is not my story, he wrote me out of it a long time ago.
this is my lesson in compassion. there is no easy solution. i am blissfully happy in my life right now which is filled with goodness, honesty, and kindness. i refuse to let anything jeopardize that. so how do you treat someone who treated you terribly when they are going through something terrible?
i will give him his peace of mind and prayers, but i can't save his life. i've got to save my own, so that's all i can offer.
30 November 2007
four.
rainy in san diego today. ha.
this really should not be surprising considering after a six month dirt accumulating stint i finally forked out the cash(well to be honest trav chipped in half due to my lack of cash...) the wash my beast of a vehicle yesterday. i guess the two dollar upgrade for rainx really paid off this time! oh boy.
i didn't sleep well last night. my mind was working overtime and my body was restless. as i layed alone, cocooned in my sheets and with my comforter pulled up to cover my nose from the cold, i couldn't help but let my mind wander. i was having the kind of racing abstract thoughts that come only when i'm consiously trying to keep the overwhelmingly terrifying worries about my future at bay. shouldhavestudiedchemistry ohno ifthemidermaveragewas8thenhowcanicalculatemygrade iwonderifiwillgettheambassadorjob whenwillthatladygetbacktome no howwillmygpaeverrecoverifigetabthisquarter ineedtostudyforthemcat dontdothisnow iamnotsmartenough fuckthemiamsodetermined negativenegativenegative fight it nonono fight it breathe FIGHT IT! and then comes the breakthrough. somewhere far from sleep yet far from waking life i can will myself to lift my thoughts to something much lighter, higher, delightful. last night all i could imagine was my room, there was nothing else. it was my shelter, boxing out the chilly night air. without heat i was solely responsible for the warmth i could feel. all the molecules of ocean and stars and invisibledust in the crisp night air were swarming to the outside of where i lay, insulating the tiny room as though there was nothing else in the world that could draw their attention away. it was beautiful and i could feel the hum of the universe. and then i found sleep.
despite the rain, the tests and classes, the fire alarms, the medschool applications, despite life and all it entails, i will always be ok as long as those moments exist. tiny, half-lucid moments when i feel like the universe is good and god is miraculous and my thoughts are not my own. i am going to make it through, i promise. stick with me, i won't lose my sanity.
this really should not be surprising considering after a six month dirt accumulating stint i finally forked out the cash(well to be honest trav chipped in half due to my lack of cash...) the wash my beast of a vehicle yesterday. i guess the two dollar upgrade for rainx really paid off this time! oh boy.
i didn't sleep well last night. my mind was working overtime and my body was restless. as i layed alone, cocooned in my sheets and with my comforter pulled up to cover my nose from the cold, i couldn't help but let my mind wander. i was having the kind of racing abstract thoughts that come only when i'm consiously trying to keep the overwhelmingly terrifying worries about my future at bay. shouldhavestudiedchemistry ohno ifthemidermaveragewas8thenhowcanicalculatemygrade iwonderifiwillgettheambassadorjob whenwillthatladygetbacktome no howwillmygpaeverrecoverifigetabthisquarter ineedtostudyforthemcat dontdothisnow iamnotsmartenough fuckthemiamsodetermined negativenegativenegative fight it nonono fight it breathe FIGHT IT! and then comes the breakthrough. somewhere far from sleep yet far from waking life i can will myself to lift my thoughts to something much lighter, higher, delightful. last night all i could imagine was my room, there was nothing else. it was my shelter, boxing out the chilly night air. without heat i was solely responsible for the warmth i could feel. all the molecules of ocean and stars and invisibledust in the crisp night air were swarming to the outside of where i lay, insulating the tiny room as though there was nothing else in the world that could draw their attention away. it was beautiful and i could feel the hum of the universe. and then i found sleep.
despite the rain, the tests and classes, the fire alarms, the medschool applications, despite life and all it entails, i will always be ok as long as those moments exist. tiny, half-lucid moments when i feel like the universe is good and god is miraculous and my thoughts are not my own. i am going to make it through, i promise. stick with me, i won't lose my sanity.
02 November 2007
three.
never has there been such a perfect, delectable creation as pumpkin pie. i'm currently baking one (from scratch mind you!) and i can't think of a more season appropriate activity. ok ok, i'll admit san diego is somewhat devoid of season changes in general. it always seems so instant that summer becomes a gray, crisp winter and my sandaled toes are left asking 'hey, when did this happen?". then i'm confused again as winter makes its return around june and then disappears just as randomly. i crave an east coast autumn like i remember from my childhood, an autumn were trees use their last tired breaths before winter to parade the most glorious colors you've ever seen and people with flushed faces and rosy cheeks seem as warm and cheery as their wool sweaters. no, i won't be finding frost on my windshield or piles of leaves to rake, but in can still feel the fall season stirring deep within. and right now i can smell it, in the redolence of the pumpkin spices dancing through my kitchen. i live for autumn the same way i can't wait to be an old, wise, smile-lined woman with a perennial garden and a brigade of grandchildren to tend. oh i wish you could smell autumn like i can right now! i would cut you a slice and we could sit for hours after the sunset eating our pie and talk about everything and nothing at all.
31 October 2007
two.
you have bad habits. don't worry, so do i. i'd like to think that on some level they give us character. i'm slighty disappointed we live in a culture where they are labeled "bad"(but in the list of reasons our culture disappoints me it is not high ranking...). i don't think they're all bad. this certainly doesn't mean that they are good or right, but i doubt anyone would be half as interesting without them.
i've got quite a few. i used to try to hide them or pretend they weren't mine by poking fun or putting on a brilliant show of appall. but out with them now, because we can't fight who we are, bad habits and all.
i chew gum like a smoker smokes cigarettes. sometimes i'm a pack and a half a day sort of girl, other days i can get by with a few sticks. i buy industrial size boxes and pray i don't run out before our next costco run, and heaven forbid if i have run out you can find me at the grocery checkout with shakey hands buying another pack to feed my addiction. despite never actually putting a cigarette to my lips, i happen to find cigarette smoking entirely too alluring for my own good. so maybe it's the gum keeping me from lighting up. i know with one cigarette i'd be hooked, and then my lungs and i might not end up on such great terms. ok, i know, asking for a piece of gum after a steamy love making session is no where near as sexy as asking for a light, but for me it's got to be chewing gum of the mint variety or else my life may be too consumed by menthol cigarettes for the marathon love making to happen. that's a sacrifice i'm just not willing to make.
most days you'll find me low key and makeup free, save for the occasional mascara. but i've got a secret vice, i make up for all those clean face days every once in awhile while i'm home alone. shhh don't tell, but between you and me- halloween came 2 days early this year. oh you'll think me so vain after spilling this one, and i'm slightly embarassed, but i've got a bad habit of sitting in front of the mirror and putting on as much makeup as i can. i'll make it fabulous, something that could give high fashion a run for its money. a few photographs and numerous poses later, i wash it all away and pretend it never happened. whoops.
ok here's a few more, just for thought. i eat way too much popcorn, i can down a whole bag by myself and still want more. i hate putting in new garbage bags, so i'll go out of my way to a trashcan across the house to avoid having to put a new one in. i will put off writing a paper til the day before its deadline, regardless of how much time i had to prepare or how long it has to be. i go barefoot as much as possible, even to the mexican food restaurant across the street which is highly illegal i'm sure. oh the list could go on, but class starts in 5, out like trout, more later
i've got quite a few. i used to try to hide them or pretend they weren't mine by poking fun or putting on a brilliant show of appall. but out with them now, because we can't fight who we are, bad habits and all.
i chew gum like a smoker smokes cigarettes. sometimes i'm a pack and a half a day sort of girl, other days i can get by with a few sticks. i buy industrial size boxes and pray i don't run out before our next costco run, and heaven forbid if i have run out you can find me at the grocery checkout with shakey hands buying another pack to feed my addiction. despite never actually putting a cigarette to my lips, i happen to find cigarette smoking entirely too alluring for my own good. so maybe it's the gum keeping me from lighting up. i know with one cigarette i'd be hooked, and then my lungs and i might not end up on such great terms. ok, i know, asking for a piece of gum after a steamy love making session is no where near as sexy as asking for a light, but for me it's got to be chewing gum of the mint variety or else my life may be too consumed by menthol cigarettes for the marathon love making to happen. that's a sacrifice i'm just not willing to make.
most days you'll find me low key and makeup free, save for the occasional mascara. but i've got a secret vice, i make up for all those clean face days every once in awhile while i'm home alone. shhh don't tell, but between you and me- halloween came 2 days early this year. oh you'll think me so vain after spilling this one, and i'm slightly embarassed, but i've got a bad habit of sitting in front of the mirror and putting on as much makeup as i can. i'll make it fabulous, something that could give high fashion a run for its money. a few photographs and numerous poses later, i wash it all away and pretend it never happened. whoops.
ok here's a few more, just for thought. i eat way too much popcorn, i can down a whole bag by myself and still want more. i hate putting in new garbage bags, so i'll go out of my way to a trashcan across the house to avoid having to put a new one in. i will put off writing a paper til the day before its deadline, regardless of how much time i had to prepare or how long it has to be. i go barefoot as much as possible, even to the mexican food restaurant across the street which is highly illegal i'm sure. oh the list could go on, but class starts in 5, out like trout, more later
29 October 2007
one.
i'm more the type to write things down properly. i love the way my hands look after they've become ink stained from hours of letting words flow out onto sheets and sheets of paper. i love coming across old notes scribbled onto scraps or cracking the spine of a long since filled journal. so i guess i should preface this all by saying that my computer keyboard is replacing my collection of hotel ballpoints only out of necessity.
you see, i've recently moved into my first house (well i'll call it mine as long as i'm sending rent checks...) and i'm learning the laws of co-dwelling with a friend whom i have known since we moved into the same town in fourth grade. it is complete bliss compared to the communal living with 16 strangers in the year past, however there is much more at stake knowing that the person with access to your written thoughts and rants and lyrics while you're not home was actually there at the time of their conception and will probably still be around long after the pages are filled. my memories are mine and hers are her own, there is no need to confuse the two. i hope she'd agree, so for the sake of privacy preservation and elimination of potential snooping by the influx of friendly visitors i'm taking to the keys! if you are inclined to snoop me here, well that's ok too. i just hope you won't be the only one.
my other guilty admission is that i'm using you, well not you per say, but this as a catalyst to hopefully motivate myself. i haven't had the wherewithal to write anything lately. it's so much easier to properly capture life when i've got legit complaints and teenage angst fledged by suburban boredom. how can i possibly capture THIS right now. life is too magnificent, too unpredictable, too glorious, too fucking fantastic to encapsulate with undeserving words. blank pages were just taunting, testing, pushy like big kids on the opposite side of a game of red rover . i'd have to be awfully crafty to get myself through. i don't believe in white out or rip outs, so how could i possibly explain how fulfilled my soul is with crosswords, running with the tide on my feet, painting canvas, being in love with my best friend, attempting to keep my dying plants alive, commuting with a view, singing my favorite songs, and all the other silly seemingly trivial things that make my every day. i can't yet, but i'll keep working on it. :)
you see, i've recently moved into my first house (well i'll call it mine as long as i'm sending rent checks...) and i'm learning the laws of co-dwelling with a friend whom i have known since we moved into the same town in fourth grade. it is complete bliss compared to the communal living with 16 strangers in the year past, however there is much more at stake knowing that the person with access to your written thoughts and rants and lyrics while you're not home was actually there at the time of their conception and will probably still be around long after the pages are filled. my memories are mine and hers are her own, there is no need to confuse the two. i hope she'd agree, so for the sake of privacy preservation and elimination of potential snooping by the influx of friendly visitors i'm taking to the keys! if you are inclined to snoop me here, well that's ok too. i just hope you won't be the only one.
my other guilty admission is that i'm using you, well not you per say, but this as a catalyst to hopefully motivate myself. i haven't had the wherewithal to write anything lately. it's so much easier to properly capture life when i've got legit complaints and teenage angst fledged by suburban boredom. how can i possibly capture THIS right now. life is too magnificent, too unpredictable, too glorious, too fucking fantastic to encapsulate with undeserving words. blank pages were just taunting, testing, pushy like big kids on the opposite side of a game of red rover . i'd have to be awfully crafty to get myself through. i don't believe in white out or rip outs, so how could i possibly explain how fulfilled my soul is with crosswords, running with the tide on my feet, painting canvas, being in love with my best friend, attempting to keep my dying plants alive, commuting with a view, singing my favorite songs, and all the other silly seemingly trivial things that make my every day. i can't yet, but i'll keep working on it. :)
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