ten.

the world is not black and white.
we live in perpetual states of moving/changing/growing/shifting/writhing shades of gray. i know this better than most, as i am the daughter of quite possibly the two most "black and white" people you'll ever encounter. with my first two teachers in this world being the type of decisive, exacting, stubbornly sagacious people they are, it should come as no surprise that, with the world being as beautifully incongruous as it is, i would turn out unequivocally gray.

i'm so gray in fact, that my mind warbled for a good five minutes over the usage of "gray" vs. "grey" in this post. this is just one of the many internal dilemmas encountered on a moment to moment basis as i try to navigate the unnavigable territory of decision in this life. if you are one of those people who easily maneuvers over the simple conundrums of daily living (i.e. never getting frustratingly stuck on the "what do i feel like for dinner?"s or "what should i do today?"s) then good for you. i envy you. because for me, it's just not that easy. but, oh is it a journey.

as humans, it is probably our most common mental process to discern between liking/disliking, admiring/abhorring, appreciating/repudiating the world around us. i mean, isn't this distinction the very basis of everything we do? aren't well all trying to fill our lives with things we "like", things that benefits us on some level, and minimize the things we "dislike", things that inconvenience us? of course there are things we hate-to-love and love-to-hate, but generally speaking, we are constant categorizers. it's biology, but that's a-whole-nother post. what i am getting at is this: i suck at this most basic categorization. i have a steadfast heart, but a fickle mind. my gray sees infinite loopholes and refuses to let me pigeonhole myself by settling a concrete judgment on, well, just about anything.

and here's the kicker: i'm not one for stagnancy. i need to keep moving (on all levels) to stay and feel alive. actually, that doesn't even cover it, the more appropriate description is this: i need my proverbial butt kicked on a regular basis to feel alive. when i feel that brackish, stifling immobility coming, i know i've gotta act fast. i've got plenty of tricks up my masochistic sleeve, but one of the more torturous ones is taking a step out of the gray and into decisiveness. oh bother.

erica, my carboncopy and dear friend who has quite regularly kicked my aforementioned proverbial butt since we were nine years old, and i have a game. it's wildly ambitious if you are anything like me, and hence it's only valid about every two years or so when i can muster the courage. we makes two lists each, one of "things i like" and the other of "things i dislike". i recently took on making lists of 50, which, let me tell you, was not for the faint of heart.

okok, i get it, it's just a silly list. but for me, it's a lesson in my own strength. it's about leaning into that discomfort that arises when a gray girl is forced to confirm that indeed maybe there are things that are black and white in this world. and the best thing? it always takes at least twice as long for me to think of things i can't stand.
as long as my "likes" come more easily than my "dislikes", i think i'm alright, because despite the gray, we live in a very very very bright world.