fourteen.

it's been storming to beat the band, and something about the way the wind whips around my room has been keeping my up with pen to paper nearly every night this past week. so easily i slip into my alter-ego, the one who falls asleep with ink stained hands, snuggling close to notebooks and paper tablets, and who wears dark rimmed glasses (despite my perfect vision) just to have a disguise to hide behind. tea mugs line my dresser and my bed hasn't been made for days. there has been time to ruminate. ...uh oh, i fear we're getting philosophical here... no, these are not erudite or sapient musings of a brilliant mind, but none the less, here we go.

life, if nothing else, is undoubtedly about connections. this seems basal enough, in fact i'm kicking myself for the use of such a cliche, yet every few years something happens that reminds me i've all but forgotten this simple truism, and remembering it seems to hit me like being whacked upside the head with a proverbial "duh". the ties that bind us strongly to one another in this crazy spinning world are the only things we can depend on to keep us from flinging off into the abyss, to keep us grounded, to keep us alive.

i know i'm blessed- my connections are strong. my "soul mates", as i call them, make everything make sense. they are undeniably indicators (if not constant reminders) of what LIFE is. although it's a rare thing, the effortlessness at which truly extraordinary people have made their way into my reality and under my skin always remains so distinct and poignant in my mind. it's these moments that make us, and i'd even venture to say they are the signposts on this road of life--- i would be so lost without those instances where i just knew, unequivocally, that embarking on a relationship with that certain person was integral in living a fulfilled life.

i seem to remember these moments with a kind of mental acuity that is rare for me, as my memories lately have been as hazy as the weather. in these instances though, i always feel like the world shifts off-kilter ever so slightly and leaves me stumbling to re-plant my feet in balance. i think this in itself is what adds to the potency of the memory- as though an acute sense of disorientation in reality somehow breeds a forever firmly affixed memory. i covet these memories in my mind as one might snippets of newspaper or photographs in a scrapbook- they are the things i'd hold most dearly, for reliving them is a breathtaking reminder that, oh yes, whether we choose to acknowledge it or not, the universe most assuredly has a plan.

i know the significance of any such memory to anyone other than me would fail to be conveyed in its recounting...... laughing at ourselves til we couldn't breathe over spit contests in the lakehouse bathroom as little girls, playing snake on our phones and gel-penning our favorite vans sneakers after school, the very real jolt of energy that coursed through my being when you kissed my forearms that night northbound on the 5, when you cried with me after practice and then bought me a candybar to make it better, reaching back into the crowd for your hand at that concert of our favorite musician, knowing we must share dna when you told me with such conviction that "that. was. real.", the first moment we locked eyes when you walked through the door at our friend's house that summer evening..... i guard these moments as though they are the very fibers that make me, because afterall, they are.

lately life has given me exactly what i didn't know i needed right exactly when i needed it. effortlessly, things just are. and that is exactly how they should be. without asking, someone enters your life that can see straight through all your silly facades and whose friendship has no choice but to take root. before you can open your mouth to object, someone will love you so fiercely it makes you stumble over words and tremble to your core for fear that this might just be enough. these are reminders that the path you never chose has chosen you.

so, sure, i can go about toting that i've "cut myself free" of so many obligations, but the fact of the matter is this: i am (and always will be) inextricably and firmly affixed to you, my dear soul mates. there is no quota, my heart knows no boundary of "we're full-up here", and life has a funny way of tying the tightest ties when i'm wanting or expecting them least. so, thanks, for being unexpected, for throwing me off kilter, for reminding me to live my life, for keeping me from flinging off into the abyss, and for making me.

(and in the likely case i lost you awhile ago, in sum, just see this at around the 25sec mark)