four.

rainy in san diego today. ha.
this really should not be surprising considering after a six month dirt accumulating stint i finally forked out the cash(well to be honest trav chipped in half due to my lack of cash...) the wash my beast of a vehicle yesterday. i guess the two dollar upgrade for rainx really paid off this time! oh boy.
i didn't sleep well last night. my mind was working overtime and my body was restless. as i layed alone, cocooned in my sheets and with my comforter pulled up to cover my nose from the cold, i couldn't help but let my mind wander. i was having the kind of racing abstract thoughts that come only when i'm consiously trying to keep the overwhelmingly terrifying worries about my future at bay. shouldhavestudiedchemistry ohno ifthemidermaveragewas8thenhowcanicalculatemygrade iwonderifiwillgettheambassadorjob whenwillthatladygetbacktome no howwillmygpaeverrecoverifigetabthisquarter ineedtostudyforthemcat dontdothisnow iamnotsmartenough fuckthemiamsodetermined negativenegativenegative fight it nonono fight it breathe FIGHT IT! and then comes the breakthrough. somewhere far from sleep yet far from waking life i can will myself to lift my thoughts to something much lighter, higher, delightful. last night all i could imagine was my room, there was nothing else. it was my shelter, boxing out the chilly night air. without heat i was solely responsible for the warmth i could feel. all the molecules of ocean and stars and invisibledust in the crisp night air were swarming to the outside of where i lay, insulating the tiny room as though there was nothing else in the world that could draw their attention away. it was beautiful and i could feel the hum of the universe. and then i found sleep.
despite the rain, the tests and classes, the fire alarms, the medschool applications, despite life and all it entails, i will always be ok as long as those moments exist. tiny, half-lucid moments when i feel like the universe is good and god is miraculous and my thoughts are not my own. i am going to make it through, i promise. stick with me, i won't lose my sanity.