twentyone.

lying in bed tonight thinking far away to all the most soul stirring, breathtaking, magical places i know. here are my favorite ten, in no particular order.

ruaha nat'l park, tanzania

i lost my breath from the moment i saw it span before my from the biplane window and still haven't caught it. the longing to return will forever be incurable.

trinity college library, dublin, ireland

the history and legacy and intelligence trapped in that space hums and resonates like the walls and shelves themselves have old souls.
redwood nat'l park, california
like taking a step back in time. you half expect the giant trees to creak and bend to your ear at night to whisper stores of a past you can only imagine.

lake natoma, california
so much of who i am comes from and is within this place. i'm not one to believe in staking claims on public places, but, it is truly mine on a deep, fundamental level. and of course i'll share.

cinque terre, liguria, italy
the warm, twinklingly fuzzy feeling i get just thinking about this place is like a summer sunset and falling in love. had my first glass of red wine here, my first cappucino, and was awed by the beauty and confidence of old wrinkly women at my first nude beach.

englischer garten, munich, germany
green is my favorite color. this is a fairytale. a fantasy. too good to be true. magnificent.
deep creek lake, maryland
from the manicured lawns down to the grass to the ferns that grow in forest in the summer, from the way the water smells so distinctly clean and vital to the swingset at the yacht club, this place courses through my veins.
jardin de versailles, chateau de versailles, france
nothing compares to getting lost here. it's like being in the best dream i've ever had.
my gradmother's house on fixlini street, san luis obispo, ca
if a house could embody love... it was quirky and delightful, warm, unique, and just grand in every imperfection.

the swiss alps, switzerland
i'll never forget my mom waking me up from a nap on the train from italy to france to look outside. the shear scale of these massive krags and cliffs against the stark blue sky remains today the most sublime thing i've ever seen.

black's beach intertidal/cliffs, la jolla, california
i took for granted going to college here (literally here. the university owns part). in the hundreds of runs down the hill to the beach in my four years there, i'd always stretch my arms and fingertips out like wings at the steepest part--- with nothing but ocean before you and the sea breeze whipping up the road between the cliffs, it feels like flying. i could soar.

twenty.

sometimes life gives you shit. foul, goopy, putrid shit, and lots of it.

today shit happened in the most literal sense. sophie, clicquot, and i were outside playing ball just like every other day, when clicquot, our "fat puppy girl" who is as dumb as that ridiculous name of hers, decided to step up her game and remind me just who's boss. one second she's merrily chasing a tennis ball, the next moment she's bee-lining for a soggy, rained on, lump of brown in the neighbor's lawn. i didn't even have to guess what was about to happen, and as my world became slow motion, clicquot barreled her body, with the intensity and precision of a football tackle, face-first into that heaping pile of feces.
i screamed her name in my fiercest tone and ran down the driveway toward her as fast as my bare feet could take me, but it was far too late. she was upside-down and sideways in it, rolling and rolling. as i reached her, she abruptly hopped to her feet and looked at me wagging her tail with a dopey look on her shit-caked face that said "look! look! did i do good!? huh!? did i?!".
and i laughed. and laughed and laughed. the situation was terrible, truly. not laughable at all. the fetid stuff was embedded in her fur from head to tail and caked around her ears and face. of course the timing was impeccable, i'd just spent the past three hours thoroughly cleaning the house, doing laundry, and finally showering myself, only to now be dealing with this mess. yet i could not stop smiling and laughing.
you see, life gives you shit all the time, and it always happens at inconvenient instances and it always seems to compound on itself, making life as messy as clicquot's face. but the beautiful thing (and sometimes the hardest thing to see when you're knee deep in it) is you always have a choice; you can let it consume you or you can choose to make the best of any situation.
sure, it's easy to get angry. to yell. to give up. to play apathetic or wallow in self-pity. it's much easier to say "this is hard, i quit" than it is to lean into unpleasantness or to ignore something entirely than it is to acknowledge discomfort. yep, it may be easier, but does it make you happy? does it make you grow? has taking the easiest road ever made the world a better place?
i won't pretend i haven't had my fair share of reacting poorly when shit hit the fan, and trust me i've seen some tough shit and have spent plenty of time up shit creek (how sick of the shit references are we?), but when it boils down to it, i want to live my life choosing not to get lost in the mess and not adding to it. so today, i just laughed.
shit happens, it's always gonna happen, and when it does, as someone dearer to me and wiser than he knows reminded me yesterday, "we don't quit. we improvise, adapt, overcome". ok ok, i realize this may be just an adaptation on a military credo, but it is so relevant, i shit you not.

nineteen.

even if you are lost, even if i am lost, even when all seems lost, we are alive. and that is beautiful.

eighteen.

i've got an inordinately catchy song caught deep in my brain.
there is something about this song that has had my toes dancing for days now. upon further investigation, i've realized i've got a serious soft spot for brett dennen. this is possibly due to one of the following facts: he, like me, is a northern california native, playing shows barefoot seems to be a recurring theme with him, and he has an elephant on his guitar. he's got no shame when it comes to using that voice-from-another-generation of his to warble out the high notes, and, oh, he's a ginger.
i must have listened to this song a hundred times in the past few days, and every time it's just pure rollick-y sunshine gladness.

sydney, whenever you feel unhappy
all you have to do is call me
i can make you laugh

you know that i was never that cool
but i won't be taken for a fool
if they wanna talk trash
they can talk, talk, talk
but they better come correct
and if you ever need me, call me
i'll come runnin' straight to you
straight from the airport
(i'll come runnin')
cut through the customs line
(i'll come runnin')

seventeen.

if i ever start to forget what true, unadulterated happiness is, all i have to do is look at my dogs. after a week of constant rain, wind, and general inhospitable-ness, my three girls and i were all stir-crazy and ready for some much needed time outdoors. when the sun peeked its bright head out of the clouds this morning, i donned my running shoes and quickly sprinted my way across town and back so i would have enough time to run the girls before we lost our little patch of sunshine. this was the result:

they were so blissfully happy to be outside and playing!

sophie kept smiling at me with her long, goofy tongue hanging out.

then she got mad at me for taking too long to throw the ball while i tried to take her picture. she was jumping straight up and down on her hind legs trying to get my attention, as if to say "geeez, mom, play with me!"

happiness is playing ball with my girls. it is also the way it smells after it rains. happiness is waking up early so my five a.m. meets your eight a.m. and happiness is a cup of tea in bed. it is that little patch of sunshine, but it can also be the storm that preceded it. happiness is knowing my life is filled with the most wonderful, kind-hearted friends. but most of all, today, happiness just is.

sixteen.

and at precisely 12:06am, as i cricketed my tired legs together for warmth under my blankets and sheets and listened to the storm howl outside, it hit me as discreetly as a freight train barreling down the tracks that my mind had, without question, kicked back in on this monumentally gloomy, wincing, mournful day. oh shit, what have i done?

my mind made its reappearance with a smirk, taunting, "as if you could ever forget me". i tried carefully to make a case for my now racing heart, but unsurprisingly, it's pounding rhythm failed to drown the chorus line of thoughts now berating me.

it's true, hearts make us impetuous. by design, they cannot wait, as each second, each beat, is a reminder that our mortality draws nearer. my heart has been making me impatient, as though it knows its beats are (and have forever been) numbered. "lub-dub i'mrunningoutoftime lub-dub makethisonecount lub-dub". maybe that's why we take comfort in laying our heads on lovers' chests to listen--- between the opening and closing of valves we can hope to boldly hear those otherwise reticent messages of love and desire slip impatiently through.

so herein lies the dilemma- my telltale heart knows no speed but full-speed ahead while my mind is a complex system of gears and pulleys equivalent to that of a 937-speed bike, on which, as one would imagine, it is damn-near impossible to properly regulate one's speed. i guess i'll be leaving this one to the great moderator: sleep, and i'm quite sure i'll wake up tomorrow going exactly the speed i should be going.

fifteen.

inspiration on a grey and rainy day...

occasionally i find something that makes every girlie fiber in my being squeal "ooh!". the above picture, from Crown & Crumpet in San Francisco, is such a thing. ooh!
today, i was listening to the rain pelt the windows in my room and started thinking, as one should on such a day, about afternoon tea. in london this past summer, travis, curtis, and i truly indulged ourselves. sure, Fortnum & Mason, the Parlour at Sketch, and the Connaught are seemingly a world away, but Crown & Crumpet is relatively near, so with color-pop to go gahgah over, a fairly note-worthy selection of teas, and of course scones and clotted cream, i do say i shall be make an appearance there in the very near future.
as far away from domestication as i am, i still can't help but swoon over elegantly eclectic home decor. i do envy my dear friend christina, who has excellent taste and is embarking on the nesting process where her visions of color and texture and homeyness are quickly becoming a reality. a whole house to make your very own?! really?! so. much. fun. (and i'm sure a complete overwhelming nightmare at times, but hang in there, girlie)
so, for the sake of swooning away from the gray and into the brightness, these are the things i'm ooh!-ing over today. although they are as close to my reality as i am to london right now, the indulgence is, nonetheless, as delicious and sweet as afternoon tea...